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Rolo 
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�79 - �85 Joined: 08-July-2005 Status: Offline Points: 9282 |
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 Posted: 06-December-2005 at 18:42 |
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No chance, God knows what I'll find there. Rolo. |
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Sharon
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Joined: 23-May-2005 Location: Balbriggan formally Beaumon Status: Offline Points: 3588 |
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Posted: 06-December-2005 at 20:14 |
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You know when ppl send you stupid emails that say if you dont send this on you will DIE or worse well click on this link and send it on to those god awfull pests http://www.softlab.ece.ntua.gr/~sivann/pub/swf/may02-smilepo p-soapbox4.swf
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All I wanted was chips!!
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!!
72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Offline Points: 38051 |
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Posted: 07-December-2005 at 09:07 |
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I no come to work today The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that.". Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.". |
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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crusty
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89-93 Joined: 23-August-2004 Location: Dublin City Status: Offline Points: 466 |
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Posted: 07-December-2005 at 17:03 |
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Do they have Christmas decorations in Vietnam?
No, but this year they'll probably hang Glitter! |
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Sharon
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Joined: 23-May-2005 Location: Balbriggan formally Beaumon Status: Offline Points: 3588 |
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Posted: 09-December-2005 at 05:49 |
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A man goes to the zoo........
but when he arrives there's only a dog.......................................... ........it was a sh*tzu |
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All I wanted was chips!!
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Sharon
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Joined: 23-May-2005 Location: Balbriggan formally Beaumon Status: Offline Points: 3588 |
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Posted: 09-December-2005 at 05:52 |
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Dear Husband,
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. Your EX-Wife PS. If you're trying to find me, don't; your BROTHER and I are moving away to London together! Have a great life! Dear Ex-Wife Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was you look just like a man! My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed £50 from me that morning and your negligee was £49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a penny from me. So take care. PS. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Signed Rich As Hell and Free! |
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All I wanted was chips!!
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Sharon
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Joined: 23-May-2005 Location: Balbriggan formally Beaumon Status: Offline Points: 3588 |
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Posted: 09-December-2005 at 06:03 |
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How the angel got on top of the tree...
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?" And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. |
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All I wanted was chips!!
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Sharon
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Joined: 23-May-2005 Location: Balbriggan formally Beaumon Status: Offline Points: 3588 |
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Posted: 09-December-2005 at 06:37 |
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All I wanted was chips!!
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Lenny3fingers
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Joined: 24-October-2005 Location: Drogheda Status: Offline Points: 705 |
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Posted: 12-December-2005 at 02:30 |
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A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits
down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'........... so she socked me a good one." The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, "Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey." But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch |
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work. the curse of the drinking classes!
-----grover 90 - 96 ish------ |
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Choirgirl
Senior Member 
Joined: 30-March-2005 Status: Offline Points: 304 |
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Posted: 13-December-2005 at 14:27 |
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How would you fire Santa? Jackie (sad I know!!) |
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eejit91
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Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180 |
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Posted: 13-December-2005 at 15:41 |
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> married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were
> touring around the market place looking at the goods > and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. > > From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani > accent say, "You're foreigners! Come in! Come into > my humble shop." > > So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man > said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you > would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex, > like a great desert camel." > > Well, the wife was really interested in buying the > sandals after hearing what the man claimed, but her > husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex > god he was. > The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you > into a sex freak?" > > The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Sahib." > > With that, after much badgering from his wife, he > finally conceded to try them on. > > As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this > wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen > in many years.... raw sexual power. > > In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the > Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked > down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed > a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. > > The Pakistani began screaming: > > "YOU HAVE DEM ON THE WRONG FEET ... > YOU HAVE DEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!" |
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"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
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eejit91
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Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180 |
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Posted: 13-December-2005 at 16:03 |
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Subject: DEAR SANTA Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa ____________________________________________________________ ________ Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa ____________________________________________________________ _____ Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please ! see what you can do? Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa ____________________________________________________________ ______ Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa ____________________________________________________________ _____ Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa ____________________________________________________________ ____ Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa ____________________________________________________________ ____ Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck ! in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa ____________________________________________________________ ___ Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging sh*t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa ____________________________________________________________ ____ Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, SANTA CLAWS!!!! |
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"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
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eejit91
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Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180 |
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Posted: 14-December-2005 at 16:52 |
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Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delighted gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Agnes
Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine- two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. You big silly, what next? All my love, Agnes Dearest John, Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - 3 French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist, you have been too kind. Love, Agnes Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 Calling Birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes Dear John, What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 Golden Rings; 1 for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All My love, Agnes Dear John, When I opened the door there were actually 6 Geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, eh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are starting to complain, and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes John, What's with you and those F---ing birds? 7 Swans a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and they never shut up. I can't get to sleep at night, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny! Stop with those F---ing birds already. Sincerely, Agnes
Hey asshole: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers piping, and Christ do they play. They haven't stopped chasing those 8 maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbors have started a petition to have me evicted. You'll get yours... Agnes You rotten prick! Now there are 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been at it all night, along with those frigging pipers! Now the cows can't sleep, and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of turds. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I am going to ask to ask the police to intervene. One who means it. Venomously, Agnes Listen F---head: What's with the 11 lords a-leaping all over those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers have run through the maids and are committing bestiality with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead! They've been trampled to Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Agnes. The destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Agnes at the Happy Valley Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Sincerely, Badger, Bender, Cajole - Attorneys at Law |
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"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
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xgrovehead
Die Hard Grover!
88/89 ish to 1992ish Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Dublin, Ireland Status: Offline Points: 2107 |
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Posted: 15-December-2005 at 05:09 |
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of |
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We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors, we have only borrowed it from our children.
-Ancient Proverb. |
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Lenny3fingers
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Joined: 24-October-2005 Location: Drogheda Status: Offline Points: 705 |
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Posted: 15-December-2005 at 06:47 |
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LOL - only a woman could have posted that joke xgh :)
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work. the curse of the drinking classes!
-----grover 90 - 96 ish------ |
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Sharon
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Joined: 23-May-2005 Location: Balbriggan formally Beaumon Status: Offline Points: 3588 |
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Posted: 15-December-2005 at 07:08 |
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Good one XGH
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All I wanted was chips!!
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Choirgirl
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Joined: 30-March-2005 Status: Offline Points: 304 |
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Posted: 15-December-2005 at 07:42 |
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A Christmas Story 'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed. He c ussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works! I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear? The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS. And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter, They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money? And the kids these days--they all are the pits They want the impossible--Those mean little sh*ts I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them, They want com puters and robots...they think - I'm IBM! Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment. There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason, I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
Merry Crimble, Jackie |
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eejit91
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Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180 |
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Posted: 15-December-2005 at 08:38 |
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees DATE: December 01, 2005 RE: Christmas Party I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be an open bar & plenty of food We'll have a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocket. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time! Merry Christmas to you & your family. Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 02, 2005 RE: Holiday Party In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides w/Christmas, tho unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now? Happy Holidays to you & your family. Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All Employees DATE: December 03, 2005 RE: Holiday Party Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange is allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money & executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director To: All Employees DATE: December 04, 2005 RE: Holiday Party What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating & drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet & pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit w/each other. Lesbians do not have to sit w/Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed tho we will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people w/high blood pressure to taste 1st. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!? Patty FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director TO: All F***king Employees DATE: December 05, 2005 RE: The F***ing Holiday Party Vegetarian pricks I've had it w/you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, & you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk & die, The Bitch from HELL!!! FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director DATE: December 06, 2005 RE: Patty Lewis & Holiday Party I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery & I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Happy Holidays! |
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"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
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xgrovehead
Die Hard Grover!
88/89 ish to 1992ish Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Dublin, Ireland Status: Offline Points: 2107 |
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Posted: 15-December-2005 at 09:12 |
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Teresa, Very good!! xgh |
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We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors, we have only borrowed it from our children.
-Ancient Proverb. |
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Stevie
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1976-81ish Joined: 22-July-2005 Location: Raheny Dublin Status: Offline Points: 295 |
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Posted: 15-December-2005 at 20:46 |
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Fill ye in soon on the goings on Stevie |
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Okay buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I to do with 8 maids-a-Milking? It's not enough, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's manure all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. What are you doing to me? Just lay off, smart-ass! Agnes
death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied you rotten, vicious, swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes
love this! I'm posting it up tomorrow in the office as we actually are having the Christmas lunch and I DO work in HR...