Fun Stuff - Joke !!!

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Joke !!!

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Topic: Joke !!!

Posted By: Biker Pat
Subject: Joke !!!
Date Posted: 01-November-2005 at 09:11

LOL

A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonalds one cold
winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and
young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers
looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot
together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register and placed
his order with no hesitation, and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started
taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order
of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain
hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half
in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided
them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his
wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as
the man began to eat his few bites. Again, you could tell
what people around the old couple were thinking.

"That poor old couple."

As the old man began eating his French fries, a young man
stood up and walked to the old couples table. He politely
offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just
fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the
crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a
thing.

She just sat there watching her husband eat and
occasionally sipped some of the drink. Again, the young man came over and
begged them to let him buy them another meal. This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again. After being politely refused again, he finally
asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating.

You said that you share everything. What is it that you are
waiting for?"

She answered,

[This is great - scroll down!]

"The teeth ."

Replies:

Posted By: xgrovehead
Date Posted: 01-November-2005 at 09:15

-------------
We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors, we have only borrowed it from our children.
-Ancient Proverb.

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 03-November-2005 at 14:57

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather
coat. It's only$1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure... go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$260,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... the house we wanted
last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later. I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks

"Anyone know whose phone this is?"

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 04-November-2005 at 08:48

[QUOTE=eejit91]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk.

LOL LOL LOL

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 07-November-2005 at 14:37

The Irish Castaway

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over
10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's
certainly not a ship."

As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the
possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the
left sleeve of her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and begorrah,"
said the man, "that is so good, I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke
can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish
whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a
pocket, removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and
took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman. 'Tis
truly fantastic!!!"

At this point, the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long
front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the
trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played
around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 08-November-2005 at 05:23

lol at the last one. hahahahah

guy walks into a fancy dress party with a girl on his back, everyone is looking at him wondering what he came as. Finally someone asks him. he replies, I came as a tortoise. This is michelle

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: Rolo
Date Posted: 08-November-2005 at 06:29

Question :

Why did the Indians bury their chief at the top of the hill,facing west ?

Answers on a postcard ..........

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 08-November-2005 at 06:52

no idea rolo, why did the indians bury their chief at the top of the hill facing west?

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: Rolo
Date Posted: 08-November-2005 at 07:47

Because he was dead !!!!

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 08-November-2005 at 07:48

oh my god! that is so brilliant :)

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: Rolo
Date Posted: 09-November-2005 at 07:31

Guy walks into the doctor with a frog sitting on his shoulder.

Doctor asks when he first noticed anything peculiar.

Frog says " Well it all started with a boil on my bum."

Posted By: xgrovehead
Date Posted: 09-November-2005 at 09:00

-------------
We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors, we have only borrowed it from our children.
-Ancient Proverb.

Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 09-November-2005 at 09:17

[QUOTE=Lenny3fingers]

My pacemaker's gone off I'm laughing so much LOL

Biker Pat

Posted By: Rolo
Date Posted: 09-November-2005 at 09:22

Your turn so !!!

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 09-November-2005 at 10:20

guy walks into the doctors and says dr, i keep having alternate recurring dreams, one night im a teepee the next night im a wigwam. the dr says you need to relax, your two ten(t)s(e)

another guy walks into the drs, and says dr, i keep singing the green green grass of home. Dr says sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Guy says he never heard of that and asked was it common? Dr replies its not unusual........

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: Rolo
Date Posted: 09-November-2005 at 10:26

Oh here we go so,

Blind Guy goes into supermarket,swinging his guide dog by the leash,around and around,high above his head.

Manager comes over " Can I help you Sir ? "

Blind Guy replies " No thanks,just having a look around."

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 09-November-2005 at 10:28

good one rolo.

another guy goes into the drs wearing nothing but cellophane. dr says I can clearly see your nuts.......

another guy goes into the drs with a steering wheel attached to his groin. The dr says whats that, the guy replies. I dunno, but its driving me nuts.

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 09-November-2005 at 10:29

how do you get an elephant into a mini?

with great difficulty

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 09-November-2005 at 10:36

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
African desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a
camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant
said, Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no
women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges".
That's why we have the camel." The Captain says, "I can't say that I
condone this, but I understand about urges", so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges".
Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he
asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?",
No . not really, sir...They usually just ride the camel into town where
the girls are."

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: Rolo
Date Posted: 09-November-2005 at 10:42

Teresa, that's great.

Best one so far.

Anyone else ?

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 09-November-2005 at 10:44

A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk

Around the block? "Mum replies, "No, because she is on heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father, I Think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says,

"Dad, may I take Fluffy for a walk around the block?

I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat, and to come to

you. "Dad said, "Bring Fluffy over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's

Backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Fluffy on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog

The leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Fluffy?

(YOU'RE GONNA' LOVE THIS!!!!!!!)

The little girl said,"She ran out of petrol about halfway down

The block, so another dog is pushing her home.

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: Ann Whelan
Date Posted: 09-November-2005 at 19:07

A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage, and says, "and
you're no good in bed either," and he storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty, and he decides to make amends, so, he telephones her. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took
you so long to answer the phone"? She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion."

************************************************************ **************

Three men - an American, Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting n*ked in a
sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said.
"I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.
When he finished, he explained,
"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he
decided he had to do something just as impressive.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Irishman finally said, "Well, will you look at that... I'm getting a
fax."

-------------
Ann

Posted By: Rolo
Date Posted: 10-November-2005 at 05:20

Sorry girls,

The one about the camel is still the best.

Posted By: Rolo
Date Posted: 10-November-2005 at 06:33

How about this one, you need a bit of the old gaeilge though.

( Insert the fadas where applicable.)

Bhi beirt fear IRA , Tomas agus Sean ag siul sios an Bothar Falls, i mBeal Feiriste,trathnona amhain.

Chonaic siad fear eile, Sammy is ainm do , ina sheasamh in aice leis an siopa.

Duirt Tomas " An cheapainn tu go bhfuil an fear seo sa UDA, a Sheain ".

Duirt Sean " Ni cheapaim. "

Priceless.

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 10-November-2005 at 08:43

tain ag guairt (i think) lol

good one rolo

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 11-November-2005 at 10:28

A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Mary,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, John

Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies.

There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:

Dear John,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*ck you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care, Mary

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: Rolo
Date Posted: 14-November-2005 at 18:19

Polish Guy goes to the opticians.

Optician puts up the standard chart in front of him.

AXGYHJKUOZX

SLBGFDCY

bhyxzm

Optician says " Now sir can you read the chart for me."

Polish Guy says " Yes Doctor, I know all of those people"

Rolo.

Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 16-November-2005 at 08:41

Husband and wife were at a country fair.

Farmer is showing off his prized bulls.

He shows them the first and tells them that he mated 100 times in the last year.

The wife nudges the husband in the ribs.

The farmer shows them a second bull and says that he mated 250 times in the last year.

The wife gives an even bigger dig in the ribs to the husband.

The farmer then shows them a third bull and says that he mated 365 times in the last year.

Whereupon the wife gave the husband such a dig in the ribs he was sure one was broken.

In anger and frustration the husband turns to the wife and exclaims

"Sure that bull performed really well but it was'nt with the same bleeding cow all the time"

-------------
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.

Biker Pat

Grove 1972-1975

Posted By: Kay Fagan
Date Posted: 16-November-2005 at 08:42

>>How Smart Is Your Right Foot???
>>
>>This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep
>>trying
>>it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But
>>you
>>can't!!!
>>
>>1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor
>>and
>>makeclockwise circles with it.
>>
>>2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
>>right
>>hand. Your foot will change direction!!!
>>I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.
>>
>>Make sure you pass this on to your friends... They won't be able to
>>believe it either!!!

-------------
Kay Fagan

Posted By: Kay Fagan
Date Posted: 16-November-2005 at 08:48

Stupid Instructions

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- Product will be hot after heating.

(And you thought?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- For indoor or outdoor use only.

(As opposed to what?)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- Warning: contains nuts.

(Talk about a news flash!)

On a Japanese food processor -- Not to be used for the other use.

(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

(Oh my gosh! Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

-------------
Kay Fagan

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 16-November-2005 at 08:52

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress
Halloween
> party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go
to
> the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she
> argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and

> there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So
he
> took his costume and away he went.
>
> The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without
pain
> and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband
> didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some
fun
> by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with
him.
>
> So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,

> cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick"
> he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His

> wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left
> his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
>
> She lethim go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband.
> After more drinks hefinally he whispered a little proposition in her

> ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
> passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at
> midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away
and
> got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up
for
> his outrageous behavior.
>
> She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind
of
> time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
> time when you're not there." Then sheasked,"Did you dance much?" He
> replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
> there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into
the
> spare room and played poker all evening."
>
> "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
poker
> all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband
> replied,
>
> "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time

> of his life."

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: Kay Fagan
Date Posted: 16-November-2005 at 08:55

lol

-------------
Kay Fagan

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 16-November-2005 at 08:57

Things That Hallmark Cards Don't Say
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?

Dating versus Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing

flammable near your husband...... at all times

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says

"What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he

ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married .....You tell him "If we have sex,

will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for

no reason
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together,

growing old together
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel

all "mushy"
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want

to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "Laundry basket" is
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty

clothes storage area

When you are dating..... He understands if you "aren't in the mood"
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare

When you are dating..... He calls you by name
When you are married .....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when
speaking to others as "She"!

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 16-November-2005 at 09:05

[QUOTE=Biker Pat]

Husband and wife were at a country fair.

Pat that is really great! I nearly had an accident when I read that!

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: Kay Fagan
Date Posted: 16-November-2005 at 14:01

Can you raed tihs?

Olny srmat poelpe can.
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

-------------
Kay Fagan

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 16-November-2005 at 14:05

I did Kay! all those years wasted in school after all!

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: Kay Fagan
Date Posted: 16-November-2005 at 14:09

We never wasted any years looking back it was the best time

Wouldn't change a thing.

-------------
Kay Fagan

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 16-November-2005 at 14:11

Won't argue with that - brill times.

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 16-November-2005 at 14:18

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says

"Where in the hell have you been?"

He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a �50 note on my privates," he said proudly

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in

disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant get a �50

pound note tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow �50 quid anytime you want."

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: Kay Fagan
Date Posted: 16-November-2005 at 14:20

Do you remember ITA and Joan getting kick out of Manor House just before their Inter Cert.Ita mother went mad.

-------------
Kay Fagan

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 16-November-2005 at 14:23

I remember Ita a little bit - not Joan though... What did they do?

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: Kay Fagan
Date Posted: 16-November-2005 at 14:25

Messing in the lou's and they were told to get out and go home by Sister Breada.She was a witch.

I heard after she got married to one of the girls father Don't know how true it is

-------------
Kay Fagan

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 16-November-2005 at 14:40

Ladies:

For all those men who say,

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.

Here's an update for you.....

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage.

Why?

Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig....

Just to get a little sausage.

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: Rolo
Date Posted: 17-November-2005 at 05:20

Right you lot,

Here's one for you ......

Distraught Northsider goes into Doctor's Office.

" Doctor " he says," I've a terrible problem,see,I'm addicted to this website where I've met a gang of people who went to the same alternative disco I went to years ago."

"It's affecting my work.

My wife/husband/partner/kids* ( delete where applicable ) think I'm nuts. I'm afraid to hit the scratcher at night in case I miss something."

"What am I going to do ? Please help me, please................".

Doctor says " Sorry___________________* there's nothing I can do.

You're f***ed."

*(Insert where applicable Eejit,Rolo,Kay,Pat,Lenny,xgrovehead.........)

Rolo.( One Hundred and Eighty)

Posted By: xgrovehead
Date Posted: 17-November-2005 at 05:24

Clap Clap Clap Clap Clap

People don't think we're nuts do they?????

-------------
We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors, we have only borrowed it from our children.
-Ancient Proverb.

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 17-November-2005 at 05:25

ROFLMAO Rolo - nice one!

is a bit like that here now...

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: Rolo
Date Posted: 17-November-2005 at 05:37

Lenny,whats ROFLMAO ?

And xgh, don't know 'bout the rest of you,but I think I'm nuts.

Still haven't figured out how to get the little yellow fellas into my posts.Help anyone ?

Rolo.( One Hundred and Seventy Seven)

Posted By: Kay Fagan
Date Posted: 17-November-2005 at 05:40

We all must be mad

Frist thing this morning when I came into worked I logged on

On a half day to day to go shopping

Won't be able to log back on till tonite.

Hope you all get your tickets

Wink

-------------
Kay Fagan

Posted By: xgrovehead
Date Posted: 17-November-2005 at 05:40

You just right click on the one you want and hit copy, then put the cursor back in the message, click where you want him to go and do crtl and v. Or right click and paste.

Yeah Lenny you've lost me on that?

And how do you do quotes?

-------------
We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors, we have only borrowed it from our children.
-Ancient Proverb.

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 17-November-2005 at 05:53

ROFLMAO is rolling on floor laughing my ass off

there is a whole online dictionary of acronyms, such as iirc (if i remember correctly), hth (hope that helps), lol (laugh out loud) etc

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: Rolo
Date Posted: 17-November-2005 at 06:14

Thanks Xgh,

Not sure 'bout quotes but see the button on top right of posts,must be something to do with that.

Smile

It works.

Rolo.( One Hundred and Eighty)

Posted By: xgrovehead
Date Posted: 17-November-2005 at 06:17

Rolo wrote:

Thanks Xgh,

Not sure 'bout quotes but see the button on top right of posts,must be something to do with that.

Smile

It works.

Rolo.( One Hundred and Eighty)

And so does that. What a useful skill, but is this really what they're paying me for?

It'll all end in tears and on the dole queue.

-------------
We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors, we have only borrowed it from our children.
-Ancient Proverb.

Posted By: Kay Fagan
Date Posted: 17-November-2005 at 06:25

How do you get a picture under your name...........

-------------
Kay Fagan

Posted By: xgrovehead
Date Posted: 17-November-2005 at 06:27

Go to settings and edit profile and the bit about half way down about choosing avatars and scroll through till you find one that you like and choose it!

-------------
We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors, we have only borrowed it from our children.
-Ancient Proverb.

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 17-November-2005 at 06:29

or upload a picture to somewhere on the web and then put the path in the textfield underneath. make sure the image is the correct file and pixel size.

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: Kay Fagan
Date Posted: 17-November-2005 at 06:34

Very good TKS

See we are not wasting our time we are learning something

LOL

-------------
Kay Fagan

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 17-November-2005 at 07:00

np*

afaik* there are hundreds of them

* no problem

** as far as i know

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: xgrovehead
Date Posted: 17-November-2005 at 07:29

FWIW (for what its worth)

IYKWIM (If you know what I mean) etc etc

This is a blatant post wh*re post to get me up to 80 posts.

-------------
We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors, we have only borrowed it from our children.
-Ancient Proverb.

Posted By: Ann Whelan
Date Posted: 18-November-2005 at 12:54

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.

With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down. The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Australian Poetry Competition

The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists -
a university graduate and an old aboriginal.

They were given a word, and then allowed two minutes to study it and
to come up with a poem that contained the word.

The word they were given was 'TIMBUKTU'.

First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:

Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu.

The crowd went crazy! No way could the old aboriginal top that,
they thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They were three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.

The aboriginal won.

-------------
Ann

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 18-November-2005 at 13:03

http://www.msn.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=382219626&m=1652&rr=y&source=msne999 - http://www.msn.americangreetings.com/view.pd?i=382219626& ;m=1652&rr=y&source=msne999

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 18-November-2005 at 13:06

>Finglas Vasectomy:
>> >
>> >After having their 11th child, a Finglas couple decided that was enough, as  they could not afford a larger bed.
>> >So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife  didn't  want to have any more children.
>> >The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that  would fix  the problem, but it was expensive.
>> >A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light  it, put  it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
>> >The Finglas Man said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest guy in
>> the  world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to
>> my ear  is going to help me"
>> >"Trust me, it will do the job" said the doctor.
>> >So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held
>> thecan up to his ear and began to count "1, 2, 3, 4, 5", at which point
>> he  paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so that he could
>> continue counting on his other hand.
>> >
>> >This procedure also works in Cabra, Ballymun, Coolock,
>> Artane,Darndale, and anywhere in the Ballyfermot and Tallaght area.

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 19-November-2005 at 11:22

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the

responsibility to marry the perfect woman so

they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,

gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.

So he explained his mission to the farmer,

asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,

so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.

The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,

not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one

of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,

not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl

to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.

When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was

the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He

rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing

could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,

"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...

pregnant when you met her."

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 21-November-2005 at 05:46

Kays joke - excel file. you will need excel installed and its just under 3 mb so may take a while if you are on dialup

http://members.aol.com/leonardmcmanusie/namethatband.xls - http://members.aol.com/leonardmcmanusie/namethatband.xls

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: Kay Fagan
Date Posted: 21-November-2005 at 08:24

The following ad was in The Atlanta Journal:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8-week-old Labrador Retriever.

-------------
Kay Fagan

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 22-November-2005 at 04:14

2 fat blokes in a bar, one says to the other "your round". The other one says " So are you ya fat bastard!"

2 blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would've seen it!

2 goldfish in a tank. One of them says to the other "how the f**k do u drive this thing!"

2 cows in a field. One of them says "moo!" The other one says "I was gonna say that ya bastard!"

2 peanuts walking through Kings Cross. One of them was a salted.

2 vomits walking through Kings Cross. One starts crying. The other says "whats wrong?". "This is where i was brought up!".

Whats the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.

A duck walks into a DIY store looking for a job, the man behind the counter says "sorry, why dont you try the circus?" The duck says "what the f**k would they want with a plumber?"

How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!

Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CD's? In irack.

Where did he keep his armies? Up his sleevies!

Child: Mum where do babies come from?

Mother: The stork brings them.

Child: So who shags the stork then?

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 28-November-2005 at 15:01

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER

1. Sag, you're It....................

2. Hide and go pee.............................

3. 20 questions shouted into your good

ear.........................................

4. Kick the bucket .......................................

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over..........................................

6. Musical recliners................................

7. Simon says something incoherent..........

8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy................

SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.....................................

2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them...................

3. You change your underwear after a

sneeze.........................................

OLD IS WHEN:

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face..........................................

2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today...................................

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot......................................

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

Thoughts for the week

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over ?

Stress! is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen a sleep yet...........

My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.....................................

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off............................................

If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.....................................

But Most Of All, Remember !

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart !

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 29-November-2005 at 08:43

BODY MEETING:

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,

trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,

"because I run all the body's systems,

so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood,

"because I circulate oxygen all over

so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach,"

because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs,

"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,

"because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum ,

"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him,

so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days...

the brain had a terrible headache,

the stomach was bloated,

the legs got wobbly,

the eyes got watery,

and the blood was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The ass hole is usually in charge !!

-------------
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.

Biker Pat

Grove 1972-1975

Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 29-November-2005 at 09:02

Kids are quick!

TEACHER:       Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA:          Here it is.
TEACHER:       Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS:             Maria.
__________________________________________
TEACHER:    Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK:         Because of the sign.
TEACHER:    What sign?
FRANK:        The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_________________________________
TEACHER:   John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN:          You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER:    Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN:          K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER:     No, that's wrong
GLENN :        Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_______________________________________________
TEACHER:       Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:         H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:       What are you talking about?
DONALD:         Yesterday, you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER:       Winnie, name one important thing we have today    that we
               didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:          ;   Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER:      Gus, why do you always get so dirty?
GUS:         &n bsp;   'Cause I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER:       Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE:                I is...
TEACHER:       No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE:          ;    All right... "I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet."
_________________________________
TEACHER:       George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his
father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:              Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER:       Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the
               same as your brother's.   Did you copy his?
CLYDE:              No, teacher, it's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
               people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:        A teacher.

-------------
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.

Biker Pat

Grove 1972-1975

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 01-December-2005 at 08:36

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not

allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY"

then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down

on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde)

asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a

light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a

few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are

you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a

couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her

"...And where do you think you're going?"

( You're gonna love this..... )

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: xgrovehead
Date Posted: 01-December-2005 at 08:48

And thats how eejit ended up working from home..................... LOL

-------------
We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors, we have only borrowed it from our children.
-Ancient Proverb.

Posted By: Kay Fagan
Date Posted: 01-December-2005 at 09:26

lol ......... LOL

-------------
Kay Fagan

Posted By: Kay Fagan
Date Posted: 05-December-2005 at 04:17

THIS IS WORTH THE READ..... THIS HAS BEEN WRITTEN BY A MAN... (Ladies, there really is a GOD!!)

This is for all you girls 30 years and over.... and for those who are turning 30, and for those who are scared of moving into their 30's...AND for guys who are scared of girls over 30!!!!... This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes.

Andy Rooney says:

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know. A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Ladies, I apologise. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realise it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage.

-------------
Kay Fagan

Posted By: Sharon
Date Posted: 05-December-2005 at 05:36

kay

LOL...we learn so much as we grow older and wiser

pity we cant go back to being 16 and knowing what we know now

cheers

Sharon

-------------
All I wanted was chips!!

Posted By: Sharon
Date Posted: 05-December-2005 at 05:38

For all you mad people click on link

http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/insanity_test.htm - http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/insanity_test.htm

-------------
All I wanted was chips!!

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 06-December-2005 at 10:50

A plane leaves Los Angeles Airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the autopilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot. "Why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!"

"No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence.

"No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces. "Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic."

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg... no mattah ... all same!"

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 06-December-2005 at 15:33

VERY SAD NEWS

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason; they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 06-December-2005 at 15:34

The Monk

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He
notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not
from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out
that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would
never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the
subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries,
but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a
locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets
worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his
head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is
crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate!"

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 06-December-2005 at 15:44

Sharon wrote:

For all you mad people click on link

http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/insanity_test.htm - http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/insanity_test.htm

What the hell were you thinking putting this out here! it is absolutely hillarious!! I'll get no fecking work done now - sh*te....

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: Rolo
Date Posted: 06-December-2005 at 18:01

Teresa,

On that basis I'll resist the temptation.

Many thanks for the warning. As if we hadn't enough to be doing.

Rolo.

Posted By: Sharon
Date Posted: 06-December-2005 at 18:38

Rolo wrote:

Teresa,

On that basis I'll resist the temptation.

Many thanks for the warning. As if we hadn't enough to be doing.

Rolo.

Go Rolo LOL

i know you want to click on it

Cheers

Sharon

-------------
All I wanted was chips!!

Posted By: Rolo
Date Posted: 06-December-2005 at 18:42

No chance,

God knows what I'll find there.

Rolo.

Posted By: Sharon
Date Posted: 06-December-2005 at 20:14

You know when ppl send you stupid emails that say if you dont send this on you will DIE or worse well click on this link and send it on to those god awfull pests

http://www.softlab.ece.ntua.gr/~sivann/pub/swf/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf - http://www.softlab.ece.ntua.gr/~sivann/pub/swf/may02-smilepo p-soapbox4.swf

Wink

-------------
All I wanted was chips!!

Posted By: Biker Pat
Date Posted: 07-December-2005 at 09:07

I no come to work today

Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." .

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that.".

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.".

-------------
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.

Biker Pat

Grove 1972-1975

Posted By: crusty
Date Posted: 07-December-2005 at 17:03

Do they have Christmas decorations in Vietnam?

No, but this year they'll probably hang Glitter!

Posted By: Sharon
Date Posted: 09-December-2005 at 05:49

A man goes to the zoo........

but when he arrives there's only a
dog..........................................

........it was a sh*tzu

-------------
All I wanted was chips!!

Posted By: Sharon
Date Posted: 09-December-2005 at 05:52

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've
been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you
had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came
home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your
favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.

You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after
watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch
me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore,
whatever the case is, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife

PS. If you're trying to find me, don't; your BROTHER and I are moving away
to London together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Wife

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you
and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry
from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your
constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off
all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was you look
just like a man! My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say
anything nice.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY
BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.

I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price
tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had
just borrowed �50 from me that morning and your negligee was �49.99.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So
when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million pounds, I quit my
job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone.

Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the
filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you
wrote, you won't get a penny from me. So take care.

PS. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was
born Carla. I hope that's not a problem.

Signed Rich As Hell and Free!

-------------
All I wanted was chips!!

Posted By: Sharon
Date Posted: 09-December-2005 at 06:03

How the angel got on top of the tree...

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning
to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them
were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out,
heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked,
and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider
and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the
elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his
frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke
into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to
get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully,

"Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful
tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

-------------
All I wanted was chips!!

Posted By: Sharon
Date Posted: 09-December-2005 at 06:37

NEW SCREEN CLEANER...VERY CUTE

http://www.bassfiles.net/cleanscreen.swf - http://www.bassfiles.net/cleanscreen.swf

Cheers

Sharon

-------------
All I wanted was chips!!

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 12-December-2005 at 02:30

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits
down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a
black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have
black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister
accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with
the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying,
'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two
pickets to Tittsburgh'........... so she socked me a good one."
The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue
twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife,
"Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey." But I accidentally said, 'You
ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed, bitch

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: Choirgirl
Date Posted: 13-December-2005 at 14:27

How would you fire Santa?
Give him the sack

Jackie (sad I know!!)

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 13-December-2005 at 15:41

> married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were
> touring around the market place looking at the goods
> and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.
>
> From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani
> accent say, "You're foreigners! Come in! Come into
> my humble shop."
>
> So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man
> said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you
> would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex,
> like a great desert camel."
>
> Well, the wife was really interested in buying the
> sandals after hearing what the man claimed, but her
> husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex
> god he was.
> The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you
> into a sex freak?"
>
> The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Sahib."
>
> With that, after much badgering from his wife, he
> finally conceded to try them on.
>
> As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this
> wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen
> in many years.... raw sexual power.
>
> In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the
> Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked
> down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed
> a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.
>
> The Pakistani began screaming:
>
> "YOU HAVE DEM ON THE WRONG FEET ...
> YOU HAVE DEM ON THE WRONG FEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 13-December-2005 at 16:03

Subject: DEAR SANTA

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

yer Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Santa

____________________________________________________________ ________

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

Santa

____________________________________________________________ _____

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please ! see what you can do?

Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead.

Santa

____________________________________________________________ ______

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up with a Barbie.

Santa

____________________________________________________________ _____

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch.

Santa

____________________________________________________________ ____

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.

Santa

____________________________________________________________ ____

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible or are you just a blonde? Good luck ! in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

____________________________________________________________ ___

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging sh*t may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

____________________________________________________________ ____

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

SANTA CLAWS!!!!

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 14-December-2005 at 16:52

Dearest John, I went to the door today and the postman had delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delighted gift! I couldn't have been more surprised. With deepest love and affection, Agnes

Dearest John, Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine- two Turtle Doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. You big silly, what next? All my love, Agnes

Dearest John, Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity - 3 French Hens! They are just darling, but I must insist, you have been too kind. Love, Agnes

Dear John, Today the postman delivered 4 Calling Birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic. Affectionately, Agnes

Dear John, What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 Golden Rings; 1 for every finger! You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All My love, Agnes

Dear John, When I opened the door there were actually 6 Geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, eh? Those geese are huge! Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are starting to complain, and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes

John, What's with you and those F---ing birds? 7 Swans a-swimming? What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's bird crap all over the house and they never shut up. I can't get to sleep at night, and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny! Stop with those F---ing birds already. Sincerely, Agnes

Okay buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I to do with 8 maids-a-Milking? It's not enough, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There's manure all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. What are you doing to me? Just lay off, smart-ass! Agnes

Hey asshole: What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers piping, and Christ do they play. They haven't stopped chasing those 8 maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I to do? The neighbors have started a petition to have me evicted. You'll get yours... Agnes

You rotten prick! Now there are 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been at it all night, along with those frigging pipers! Now the cows can't sleep, and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of turds. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I am going to ask to ask the police to intervene. One who means it. Venomously, Agnes

Listen F---head: What's with the 11 lords a-leaping all over those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! Those pipers have run through the maids and are committing bestiality with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead! They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied you rotten, vicious, swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes

Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Agnes. The destruction of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Agnes at the Happy Valley Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest. Sincerely, Badger, Bender, Cajole - Attorneys at Law

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: xgrovehead
Date Posted: 15-December-2005 at 05:09

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of
their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are
hurt.After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, So you're a
man.That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's
nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we
should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our
days".Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, and look at this,
here's another miracle. My car is completely
demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to
drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle
to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half
the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the
bottle and immediately
puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman
replies,
No. I think I'll just wait for the police...."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with them.

-------------
We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors, we have only borrowed it from our children.
-Ancient Proverb.

Posted By: Lenny3fingers
Date Posted: 15-December-2005 at 06:47

LOL - only a woman could have posted that joke xgh :)

-------------
work. the curse of the drinking classes!

-----grover 90 - 96 ish------

Posted By: Sharon
Date Posted: 15-December-2005 at 07:08

Good one XGH

-------------
All I wanted was chips!!

Posted By: Choirgirl
Date Posted: 15-December-2005 at 07:42

A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed. He c ussed out the elves and threw down his list. Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works! I've busted my ass for damn near a year, Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight. Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter, They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money? And the kids these days--they all are the pits They want the impossible--Those mean little sh*ts I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds

Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them, They want com puters and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment. There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason, I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

Merry Crimble, Tongue

Jackie

Posted By: eejit91
Date Posted: 15-December-2005 at 08:38

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:    All Employees
DATE:   December 01, 2005
RE:    Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be an open bar & plenty of food We'll have a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pocket. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you & your family.
Patty

FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 02, 2005
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides w/Christmas, tho unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you & your family.
Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:   All Employees
DATE: December 03, 2005
RE:    Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange is allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money & executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To:   All Employees
DATE: December 04, 2005
RE:    Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating & drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet & pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit w/each other. Lesbians do not have to sit w/Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed tho we will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people w/high blood pressure to taste 1st. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO:    All F***king Employees
DATE: December 05, 2005
RE: The F***ing Holiday Party

Vegetarian pricks I've had it w/you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, & you'll get your f***ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk & die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE:    December 06, 2005
RE:    Patty Lewis & Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery & I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party & give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off w/full pay.
Happy Holidays!

-------------
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."

Posted By: xgrovehead
Date Posted: 15-December-2005 at 09:12

Teresa,

Very good!!

xgh

-------------
We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors, we have only borrowed it from our children.
-Ancient Proverb.

Posted By: Stevie
Date Posted: 15-December-2005 at 20:46

Clap love this! I'm posting it up tomorrow in the office as we actually are having the Christmas lunch and I DO work in HR...

Fill ye in soon on the goings on LOL

Stevie