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eejit91 
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Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180 |
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 Posted: 18-November-2005 at 13:06 |
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>Finglas Vasectomy:
>> > >> >After having their 11th child, a Finglas couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. >> >So, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. >> >The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem, but it was expensive. >> >A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. >> >The Finglas Man said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest guy in >> the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to >> my ear is going to help me" >> >"Trust me, it will do the job" said the doctor. >> >So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held >> thecan up to his ear and began to count "1, 2, 3, 4, 5", at which point >> he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so that he could >> continue counting on his other hand. >> > >> >This procedure also works in Cabra, Ballymun, Coolock, >> Artane,Darndale, and anywhere in the Ballyfermot and Tallaght area. |
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"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
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eejit91
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Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180 |
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Posted: 19-November-2005 at 11:22 |
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"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed." The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went. "Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed." The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry." So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents. "Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell... pregnant when you met her." |
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"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
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Lenny3fingers
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Joined: 24-October-2005 Location: Drogheda Status: Offline Points: 705 |
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Posted: 21-November-2005 at 05:46 |
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Kays joke - excel file. you will need excel installed and its just under 3 mb so may take a while if you are on dialup http://members.aol.com/leonardmcmanusie/namethatband.xls
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work. the curse of the drinking classes!
-----grover 90 - 96 ish------ |
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Kay Fagan
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Joined: 28-March-2005 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 3439 |
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Posted: 21-November-2005 at 08:24 |
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The following ad was in The Atlanta Journal: Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an 8-week-old Labrador Retriever. |
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Kay Fagan
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Lenny3fingers
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Joined: 24-October-2005 Location: Drogheda Status: Offline Points: 705 |
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Posted: 22-November-2005 at 04:14 |
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2 fat blokes in a bar, one says to the other "your round". The other one says " So are you ya fat bastard!"
2 blondes walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would've seen it!
2 goldfish in a tank. One of them says to the other "how the f**k do u drive this thing!"
2 cows in a field. One of them says "moo!" The other one says "I was gonna say that ya bastard!"
2 peanuts walking through Kings Cross. One of them was a salted.
2 vomits walking through Kings Cross. One starts crying. The other says "whats wrong?". "This is where i was brought up!".
Whats the difference between light and hard? You can sleep with a light on.
A duck walks into a DIY store looking for a job, the man behind the counter says "sorry, why dont you try the circus?" The duck says "what the f**k would they want with a plumber?"
How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler!
Where did Saddam Hussein keep his CD's? In irack.
Where did he keep his armies? Up his sleevies!
Child: Mum where do babies come from?
Mother: The stork brings them.
Child: So who shags the stork then?
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work. the curse of the drinking classes!
-----grover 90 - 96 ish------ |
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eejit91
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Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180 |
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Posted: 28-November-2005 at 15:01 |
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GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 1. Sag, you're It.................... 2. Hide and go pee............................. 3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear......................................... 4. Kick the bucket ....................................... 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.......................................... 6. Musical recliners................................ 7. Simon says something incoherent.......... 8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy................
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE: 1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale..................................... 2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them................... 3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.........................................
OLD IS WHEN: 1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.......................................... 2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today................................... 4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot...................................... 5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the week I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place! When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk." Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctr Alt Delete' and start all over ? Stress! is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen a sleep yet........... My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said..................................... Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off............................................ If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.....................................
But Most Of All, Remember ! A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart !
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"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!!
72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Offline Points: 38039 |
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Posted: 29-November-2005 at 08:43 |
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BODY MEETING: All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen". "I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away." "I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum , "Because I'm responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days... the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss. The Moral of the story? The ass hole is usually in charge !!
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!!
72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Offline Points: 38039 |
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Posted: 29-November-2005 at 09:02 |
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Kids are quick!
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America. MARIA: Here it is. TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America? CLASS: Maria. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank? FRANK: Because of the sign. TEACHER: What sign? FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." _________________________________ TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables. __________________________________________ TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?" GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L" TEACHER: No, that's wrong GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. _______________________________________________ TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD: H I J K L M N O. TEACHER: What are you talking about? DONALD: Yesterday, you said it's H to O. __________________________________ TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago. WINNIE: ; Me! __________________________________________ TEACHER: Gus, why do you always get so dirty? GUS: &n bsp; 'Cause I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________ TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I." MILLIE: I is... TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am." MILLIE: ; All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." _________________________________ TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand. ______________________________________ TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his? CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog. ___________________________________ TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? HAROLD: A teacher. |
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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eejit91
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Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180 |
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Posted: 01-December-2005 at 08:36 |
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I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing? I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off. A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days." I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?" ( You're gonna love this..... ) She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!" |
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"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
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xgrovehead
Die Hard Grover!
88/89 ish to 1992ish Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Dublin, Ireland Status: Offline Points: 2107 |
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Posted: 01-December-2005 at 08:48 |
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And thats how eejit ended up working from home.....................
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We have not inherited the earth from our ancestors, we have only borrowed it from our children.
-Ancient Proverb. |
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Kay Fagan
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Joined: 28-March-2005 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 3439 |
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Posted: 01-December-2005 at 09:26 |
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lol .........
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Kay Fagan
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Kay Fagan
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Joined: 28-March-2005 Location: Ireland Status: Offline Points: 3439 |
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Posted: 05-December-2005 at 04:17 |
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THIS IS WORTH THE READ..... THIS HAS BEEN WRITTEN BY A MAN... (Ladies, there really is a GOD!!)
This is for all you girls 30 years and over.... and for those who are turning 30, and for those who are scared of moving into their 30's...AND for guys who are scared of girls over 30!!!!... This was written by Andy Rooney from CBS 60 Minutes. Andy Rooney says: As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting. A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing. Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know. A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologise. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realise it's not worth buying an entire Pig, just to get a little sausage. |
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Kay Fagan
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Sharon
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Joined: 23-May-2005 Location: Balbriggan formally Beaumon Status: Offline Points: 3588 |
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Posted: 05-December-2005 at 05:36 |
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kay LOL...we learn so much as we grow older and wiser pity we cant go back to being 16 and knowing what we know now cheers Sharon |
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All I wanted was chips!!
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Sharon
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Joined: 23-May-2005 Location: Balbriggan formally Beaumon Status: Offline Points: 3588 |
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Posted: 05-December-2005 at 05:38 |
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For all you mad people click on link |
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All I wanted was chips!!
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eejit91
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Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180 |
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Posted: 06-December-2005 at 10:50 |
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A plane leaves Los Angeles Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the autopilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese." "No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot. "Why not?" "You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!" "No, no," the copilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese." "Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ... doesn't matter, you're all alike!" There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the copilot suddenly announces. "Why not?" asks the captain. "Jews sink Titanic." "Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!" "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg... no mattah ... all same!" |
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"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
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eejit91
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Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180 |
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Posted: 06-December-2005 at 15:33 |
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VERY SAD NEWS
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"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
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eejit91
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Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180 |
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Posted: 06-December-2005 at 15:34 |
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The Monk
A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate!" |
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"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
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eejit91
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Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish Joined: 12-October-2005 Location: Sometimes here and sometime Status: Offline Points: 8180 |
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Posted: 06-December-2005 at 15:44 |
What the hell were you thinking putting this out here! it is absolutely hillarious!! I'll get no fecking work done now - sh*te.... |
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"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
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Rolo
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�79 - �85 Joined: 08-July-2005 Status: Offline Points: 9282 |
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Posted: 06-December-2005 at 18:01 |
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Teresa, On that basis I'll resist the temptation. Many thanks for the warning. As if we hadn't enough to be doing. Rolo. |
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Sharon
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Joined: 23-May-2005 Location: Balbriggan formally Beaumon Status: Offline Points: 3588 |
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Posted: 06-December-2005 at 18:38 |
Go Rolo i know you want to click on it Cheers Sharon |
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All I wanted was chips!!
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Sharon wrote: