Joke !!! |
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Rahenyrhythm
I spend too much time here!!! Joined: 02-May-2018 Location: Stradbally Status: Offline Points: 15287 |
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Great oul jokes above lads. I've heard many superb ones in my time. But can never seem to remember them for more than a few days. No doubt there'll be a round of groaners next Saturday !!!
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One of its legs is both the same
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Pogue Mahoney
I have no life! 68-71 Joined: 08-February-2006 Location: Islets of Langerheads Status: Offline Points: 5274 |
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Speaking of Old Groaners from Old Grovers...this gem from Joey last week should be included in the Joke Thread:
"I said to the wife last night, put on your coat I am going to the pub, she says am I going too? No I says I am just going to turn the heating off."
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Rahenyrhythm
I spend too much time here!!! Joined: 02-May-2018 Location: Stradbally Status: Offline Points: 15287 |
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Yep, a classic!
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One of its legs is both the same
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Online Points: 38093 |
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Paddy pulls up to a traffic light beside this stunning looking girl.
Paddy looks over at her and rolls down his window. The beautiful girl rolls down her window as well. Paddy shouts over to her "have you farted as well?" |
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Online Points: 38093 |
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The Glasgow Brothel..............
The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking m an in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. "I want to see Valerie," the man replied. "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam. "No, I must see Valerie," he replied. Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged Β£5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still Β£5000. Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The man replied, " Edinburgh .." "Really", she said. "I have family in Edinburgh .." "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I'm her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your Β£15,000 inheritance in person ................" The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain ................... 1. Death 2. Taxes 3. Being screwed by a lawyer π± |
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Online Points: 38093 |
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Saw a photo recently of Keith Richards with his two daughters.
The caption was something like Keith is smiling because he has been included in their respective wills rather than the other way round. Edited by Biker Pat - 18-February-2020 at 11:42 |
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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Rahenyrhythm
I spend too much time here!!! Joined: 02-May-2018 Location: Stradbally Status: Offline Points: 15287 |
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I saw that ok Pat. A picture of Keef and his two young adult daughters. The caption went:
"Here is Keith Richard with his two daughters. When they die, he will inherit everything." Brilliant |
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One of its legs is both the same
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Online Points: 38093 |
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That's it Gerry.
Classic. |
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Online Points: 38093 |
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "Β£1,500!" she cried,"Β£1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been Β£20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now Β£1,500." |
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Online Points: 38093 |
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Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: Β· My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." Β· My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end." Β· My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." Β· "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river." The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property". β β The wife replies,...."The asshole had a paper route". |
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Online Points: 38093 |
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Are my testicles black?
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are β my β test β results β back? |
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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Rahenyrhythm
I spend too much time here!!! Joined: 02-May-2018 Location: Stradbally Status: Offline Points: 15287 |
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Haha, I like that one Pat
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One of its legs is both the same
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monarch
I spend too much time here!!! Oldest Grover 67-72? Joined: 24-December-2006 Status: Offline Points: 7725 |
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There is a crack in everything ...... that's how the light gets in
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Rahenyrhythm
I spend too much time here!!! Joined: 02-May-2018 Location: Stradbally Status: Offline Points: 15287 |
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Frank
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One of its legs is both the same
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Online Points: 38093 |
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Love it Frank. Took me a few goes to get it. πππ
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Online Points: 38093 |
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Saw a funny comment that if the lockdowns continue for an extended period there will be no blonds left ππ
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Online Points: 38093 |
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While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay? As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for. "I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "My guess is that she's still in the ditch." |
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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Rahenyrhythm
I spend too much time here!!! Joined: 02-May-2018 Location: Stradbally Status: Offline Points: 15287 |
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Hahaha Pat, I love it!
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One of its legs is both the same
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Online Points: 38093 |
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Roswell 1947
Tried to post something here but it won't work. Can't seem to delete the post. Apologies πͺπͺ Edited by Biker Pat - 28-June-2020 at 03:30 |
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!! 72-75 Joined: 26-April-2005 Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti Status: Online Points: 38093 |
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Woman in the dentist's says, βI donβt know which is worse; having a baby or having a tooth pulled.β The dentist replies, βWould you please hurry up and decide. I need to know which way to set up the chair!βπ
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May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat Grove 1972-1975 |
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