Just got this by email thought I'd share

The Gerry Ryan radio show (Irish Radio Talk Show) were holding competition (for one hour only) for the listeners best jokes. The prize was a sun holiday for two, for one week.

Because of the time restraint Gerry was rushing the entrants to try and get as many callers as possible to air their jokes.  One Dublin bloke rang in with only 5 mins to the end of the show...

Caller: “An amazing thing happened to me recently. I had just bought a top of the range 67,000 pounds worth of Mercedes Benz.  I was thrilled with the car. It had every extra. Revolving wheels, see-through windscreen, power assisted ash-tray, It was fully loaded.”

Gerry: “That’s very nice but, have you got a joke to tell or what?

Caller: “Hang on will you. You’ll really love this; I drove out from the dealer and was driving down the road, when I noticed that there was no radio in the car. Can you imagine that?

No feckin’ radio in a car that cost me nearly seventy grand! So I turned right around and headed back.”

Gerry: “Get on with it will you, I’ve only a couple of minutes left and we’ve to squeeze in an ad break too.”

Caller: “Relax. I guarantee you this is brilliant. So anyway, I go back to the salesman and ask him where’s the bleedin’ radio and that it better not be extra.

He started laughing and told me that there was, in fact, state of the art voice activated radio fitted in the car. He showed me how it worked.

It was UNBELIEVABLE!

All you have to do is say ‘radio on’ and it turns on, radio off’ and it turns off. It’s bleedin’ magic. You say ‘Ballads’ and it plays Ballads,.

‘Rock ‘n’ Roll’ and a rock & roll station comes on. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Gerry: “You’re wasting our feckin’ time here, I’ll have to move on and try to fit in a quickie before the end of the show.”

Caller: “Hang on Gerry I’m nearly finished.”

Gerry: “Just finish it will you.”

Caller: “So I drove off again even happier than earlier on. Then you won’t believe what happened. This idiot passed me on the outside and clipped my bumper on his way back in.

‘Stupid B0ll*x!’ I shouted and you’ll never guess what happened.”

Gerry: “What happened?”

Caller: “The Gerry Ryan Show came on the feckin’ radio.”

The caller was cut-off....

Female patient says to her Doctor "Kiss me!"

He says, "I'm sorry, it would be unethical of me to do that!"

She says "Please kiss me!"

He says "I'm sorry, It's just not allowed!"

She says "PLEASE!!"

He says "I'm sorry, I cant! Now that I think of it, I'm not even sure I should be F**King you!!"

>>After a long night of making love, Bob notices a photo of another Man

>>on her nightstand by the bed.

>>

>>He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

>>"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

>>

>>"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says,

>>nibbling away at his ear.

>>

>>"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be

>Reassured.

>>"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"

>>she answers.

>>

>>"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

>>

>>"That's me before the surgery."

>>

Apologising in advance for this..............

Beer Warning

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in
bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female
sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage.." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warn ing to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up " Golf Courses " in the phone book.

Classroom Quiz

 Teacher: "Good morning children, today is Thursday, so we're going to

 have a general knowledge quiz. The pupil who gets the answer correct

 can have Friday and Monday off and not come back to school until

 Tuesday".

 Wee Jocky (a typical Scottish nyaff) thinks, "Ya dancer. Ah'm pure

 dead brilliant at ma general knowledge stuff. This is gonnae be a

 dawdle, come ahead the noo ya radge, a lang weekend fur me.'

 Teacher: "Right boys and girls, who can tell me who said Don't ask

 what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your

 country'.

 Wee Jocky shoots up his hand, waving furiously in the air. Teacher

 looking round picks Jeremy at the front. 'Yes, Jeremy?' Jeremy (in a

 very English accent): "Yes miss, the answer is J F Kennedy

 Inauguration Speech 1960".

 Teacher: "Excellent, Jeremy. You may stay off Friday and Monday and we

 will see you back in class on Tuesday".

 The next Thursday comes around, and Wee Jocky is even more determined

 to get an a chance to answer.

 Teacher: "Who said 'We will fight them on the beaches, we will fight

 them in the air, we will fight them at sea. But we will never

 surrender".

 Wee Jocky's hand shoots up immediately, and he shouts  " I know. I

 know. Me Miss, me Miss".

 Teacher looking round picks Timothy, who's sitting at the front: "Yes

 Timothy?" Timothy (in a very posh, English accent): "Yes miss, the

 answer is Winston Churchill, 1941 Battle of Britain speech".

 Teacher: "Very good Timothy, you may stay off Friday and Monday and

 come back to class on Tuesday".

 The following Thursday comes around and Wee Jocky is hyper, he's been

 studying encyclopedias all week and he's ready for anything that

 comes. He's coiled in his wee chair, slavers dripping in anticipation.

 Teacher: " Who said 'One small step for man, one giant leap for

 mankind".

 Wee Jocky's arm shoots straight in the air, he's standing on his seat,

 jumping up and down screaming "Me miss. I know, I know. Me Miss,

 PLEEEASE".

 Teacher looking round the class picks Rupert, sitting at the front

 " Yes Rupert?"

 Rupert (In a frightfully plummy English accent):

 "Yes miss, that was Neil Armstrong. 1969, The first moon landing."

 Teacher: "Well done, Rupert. You may stay off Friday and Monday and

 come back into class on Tuesday."

 Wee Jocky loses the plot altogether, tips his desk and throws his wee

 chair at the wall. He starts screaming "Where the f*ck did all these

 English b*stards come from?".

Teacher looking round the class: "Who said that? "

Wee Jocky grabs his coat and bag and heads for the door, "Bonnie

Prince Charlie, Culloden, 1746. See yez all on Tuesday".

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.  Finally sick of the stress he  quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in as far from humanity as possible. 

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks.  Thank you." 

As Lars is leaving, he stops.  "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'."  

"Not a problem" says Tom.  "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with he best of 'em." 

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.  "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."  

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right.  I'll be there, Thanks again." 

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too," 

"Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been  all alone for six months!  I'll definitely be there.  By the way, what should I wear?" 

"Don't much matter " Says Lars........  "Just gonna be the two of us "