| Author |
 Topic Search  Topic Options
|
eejit91 
Moderator Group
Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish
Joined: 12-October-2005
Location: Sometimes here and sometime
Status: Offline
Points: 8180
|
 Post Options
 Thanks(0)
 Quote  Reply
 Posted: 09-November-2005 at 10:44 |
A little girl asked her mum, "Mum, may I take the dog for a walk
Around the block? "Mum replies, "No, because she is on heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father, I Think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Fluffy for a walk around the block?
I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on heat, and to come to
you. "Dad said, "Bring Fluffy over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's
Backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Fluffy on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog
The leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Fluffy?
(YOU'RE GONNA' LOVE THIS!!!!!!!)
The little girl said,"She ran out of petrol about halfway down
The block, so another dog is pushing her home.
|
|
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
|
 |
|
Sponsored Links
|
|
|
Ann Whelan
Active Member
Joined: 10-October-2005
Location: Saint Lucia
Status: Offline
Points: 88
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 09-November-2005 at 19:07 |
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage, and says, "and
you're no good in bed either," and he storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty, and he decides to make amends, so, he telephones her. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "What took
you so long to answer the phone"? She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this late, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion."
************************************************************ **************
Three men - an American, Japanese and an Irishman - were sitting n*ked in a
sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The American pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.
The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager," he said.
"I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.
When he finished, he explained,
"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and, not wanting to be outdone, he
decided he had to do something just as impressive.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Irishman finally said, "Well, will you look at that... I'm getting a
fax."
|
|
Ann
|
|
Rolo
Admin Group
�79 - �85
Joined: 08-July-2005
Status: Offline
Points: 9282
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 10-November-2005 at 05:20 |
Sorry girls,
The one about the camel is still the best.
|
|
Rolo
Admin Group
�79 - �85
Joined: 08-July-2005
Status: Offline
Points: 9282
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 10-November-2005 at 06:33 |
How about this one, you need a bit of the old gaeilge though.
( Insert the fadas where applicable.)
Bhi beirt fear IRA , Tomas agus Sean ag siul sios an Bothar Falls, i mBeal Feiriste,trathnona amhain.
Chonaic siad fear eile, Sammy is ainm do , ina sheasamh in aice leis an siopa.
Duirt Tomas " An cheapainn tu go bhfuil an fear seo sa UDA, a Sheain ".
Duirt Sean " Ni cheapaim. "
Priceless.
Edited by Rolo
|
|
Lenny3fingers
Moderator Group
Joined: 24-October-2005
Location: Drogheda
Status: Offline
Points: 705
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 10-November-2005 at 08:43 |
tain ag guairt (i think) lol
good one rolo
|
work. the curse of the drinking classes!
-----grover 90 - 96 ish------
|
|
eejit91
Moderator Group
Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish
Joined: 12-October-2005
Location: Sometimes here and sometime
Status: Offline
Points: 8180
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 11-November-2005 at 10:28 |
A young girl on a year's training course in South Africa recently received a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Mary,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, John
Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope along with this note:
Dear John,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*ck you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Mary
|
|
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
|
|
Rolo
Admin Group
�79 - �85
Joined: 08-July-2005
Status: Offline
Points: 9282
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 14-November-2005 at 18:19 |
Polish Guy goes to the opticians.
Optician puts up the standard chart in front of him.
AXGYHJKUOZX
SLBGFDCY
bhyxzm
Optician says " Now sir can you read the chart for me."
Polish Guy says " Yes Doctor, I know all of those people"
Rolo.
Edited by Rolo
|
|
Biker Pat
I spend too much time here!!!
72-75
Joined: 26-April-2005
Location: Swords, Co Dublin (ex Celti
Status: Offline
Points: 37969
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 16-November-2005 at 08:41 |
Husband and wife were at a country fair.
Farmer is showing off his prized bulls.
He shows them the first and tells them that he mated 100 times in the last year.
The wife nudges the husband in the ribs.
The farmer shows them a second bull and says that he mated 250 times in the last year.
The wife gives an even bigger dig in the ribs to the husband.
The farmer then shows them a third bull and says that he mated 365 times in the last year.
Whereupon the wife gave the husband such a dig in the ribs he was sure one was broken.
In anger and frustration the husband turns to the wife and exclaims
"Sure that bull performed really well but it was'nt with the same bleeding cow all the time"
|
|
May be going to hell in a bucket but at least I'm enjoying the ride.
Biker Pat
Grove 1972-1975
|
|
Kay Fagan
Moderator Group
Joined: 28-March-2005
Location: Ireland
Status: Offline
Points: 3439
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 16-November-2005 at 08:42 |
|
>>How Smart Is Your Right Foot???
>>
>>This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep
>>trying
>>it at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot. But
>>you
>>can't!!!
>>
>>1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor
>>and
>>makeclockwise circles with it.
>>
>>2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your
>>right
>>hand. Your foot will change direction!!!
>>I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it.
>>
>>Make sure you pass this on to your friends... They won't be able to
>>believe it either!!!
|
|
Kay Fagan
|
|
Kay Fagan
Moderator Group
Joined: 28-March-2005
Location: Ireland
Status: Offline
Points: 3439
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 16-November-2005 at 08:48 |
Stupid Instructions
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- Product will be hot after heating.
(And you thought?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to what?)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- Warning: contains nuts.
(Talk about a news flash!)
On a Japanese food processor -- Not to be used for the other use.
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(Oh my gosh! Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
|
|
Kay Fagan
|
|
Lenny3fingers
Moderator Group
Joined: 24-October-2005
Location: Drogheda
Status: Offline
Points: 705
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 16-November-2005 at 08:52 |
|
A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress
Halloween
> party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go
to
> the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she
> argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and
> there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So
he
> took his costume and away he went.
>
> The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without
pain
> and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her husband
> didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some
fun
> by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with
him.
>
> So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume,
> cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick"
> he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His
> wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left
> his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
>
> She lethim go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her
husband.
> After more drinks hefinally he whispered a little proposition in her
> ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had
> passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at
> midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away
and
> got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up
for
> his outrageous behavior.
>
> She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind
of
> time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
> time when you're not there." Then sheasked,"Did you dance much?" He
> replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
> there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into
the
> spare room and played poker all evening."
>
> "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing
poker
> all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband
> replied,
>
> "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time
> of his life."
|
work. the curse of the drinking classes!
-----grover 90 - 96 ish------
|
|
Kay Fagan
Moderator Group
Joined: 28-March-2005
Location: Ireland
Status: Offline
Points: 3439
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 16-November-2005 at 08:55 |
|
lol
|
|
Kay Fagan
|
|
Lenny3fingers
Moderator Group
Joined: 24-October-2005
Location: Drogheda
Status: Offline
Points: 705
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 16-November-2005 at 08:57 |
Things That Hallmark Cards Don't Say
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold, someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
Dating versus Marriage
When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing
flammable near your husband...... at all times
When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says
"What are you going to drink?"
When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public
When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot
When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked
When you are married ....You think to yourself...."Was he
ALWAYS this hairy????"
When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay
When you are married .....You tell him "If we have sex,
will you leave me alone???"
When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you ...for
no reason
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets
When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together,
growing old together
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first
When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel
all "mushy"
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want
to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating..... He knows what the "Laundry basket" is
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty
clothes storage area
When you are dating..... He understands if you "aren't in the mood"
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."
When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away
When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare
When you are dating..... He calls you by name
When you are married .....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when
speaking to others as "She"!
|
work. the curse of the drinking classes!
-----grover 90 - 96 ish------
|
|
eejit91
Moderator Group
Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish
Joined: 12-October-2005
Location: Sometimes here and sometime
Status: Offline
Points: 8180
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 16-November-2005 at 09:05 |
[QUOTE=Biker Pat]
Husband and wife were at a country fair.
Pat that is really great! I nearly had an accident when I read that!
|
|
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
|
|
Kay Fagan
Moderator Group
Joined: 28-March-2005
Location: Ireland
Status: Offline
Points: 3439
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 16-November-2005 at 14:01 |
Can you raed tihs?
Olny srmat poelpe can.
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you
can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
if you can raed tihs psas it on !!
|
|
Kay Fagan
|
|
eejit91
Moderator Group
Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish
Joined: 12-October-2005
Location: Sometimes here and sometime
Status: Offline
Points: 8180
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 16-November-2005 at 14:05 |
|
I did Kay! all those years wasted in school after all!
|
|
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
|
|
Kay Fagan
Moderator Group
Joined: 28-March-2005
Location: Ireland
Status: Offline
Points: 3439
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 16-November-2005 at 14:09 |
We never wasted any years looking back it was the best time
Wouldn't change a thing.
|
|
Kay Fagan
|
|
eejit91
Moderator Group
Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish
Joined: 12-October-2005
Location: Sometimes here and sometime
Status: Offline
Points: 8180
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 16-November-2005 at 14:11 |
|
Won't argue with that - brill times.
|
|
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
|
|
eejit91
Moderator Group
Grove Years 1979-1983-84ish
Joined: 12-October-2005
Location: Sometimes here and sometime
Status: Offline
Points: 8180
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 16-November-2005 at 14:18 |
Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says
"Where in the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a £50 note on my privates," he said proudly
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in
disdain; "Why on earth would an accountant get a £50
pound note tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, for one; I like to watch my money grow, and two; once in a while I like to play with my money, three; I like how money feels in my hand and lastly; instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow £50 quid anytime you want."
|
|
"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better."
|
|
Kay Fagan
Moderator Group
Joined: 28-March-2005
Location: Ireland
Status: Offline
Points: 3439
|
Post Options
Thanks(0)
Quote Reply
Posted: 16-November-2005 at 14:20 |
Do you remember ITA and Joan getting kick out of Manor House just before their Inter Cert.Ita mother went mad.
|
|
Kay Fagan
|
|
